Heart Based Parenting Tool #3 – Casting a Vision
Does your son need a positive vision for his future?
Sometimes our sons can get stuck in patterns of negative behavior, and you begin to lose hope that he will ever change. You wonder… Does he listen to anything I say? Will he ever grow up to be a mature, godly adult that makes rational decisions? It may be, your son just needs a positive vision for his future.
That’s what we’re going to talk about in this episode of Redeeming the Chaos.
This is our 3rd episode in the heart-based parenting series. We’ve been working our way through the 7 tools of heart-based parenting.
You can listen to those episodes here:
Just a reminder, heart-based parenting focuses on internal motivation and character development, rather than a reward and punishment system. We work to train our children to obey because they have a sense of inner obligation to do the right thing. A heart-based approach considers the work of the Holy Spirit in a child’s life, because ultimately, God is the one who changes the hearts of our children.
If you want to listen to a more detailed explanation of heart-based parenting, listen to the first episode in this series, LaurieChristine.com/63.
National Center for Biblical Parenting
I have been trained as a parent coach and seminar presenter for the National Center for Biblical Parenting. The concept of heart-based parenting was developed by the founders, Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller. Alot of the content we talk about in this episode today comes from my training from this organization.
Just to recap the tools we’ve talked about so far:
Tool #1 – Relationship
Building a relationship with your son will help to soften his heart and allow you to connect with him on a deeper level. It’s important to connect with your son on an emotional level. A strong relationship with your son will pave the way for you to use all the other tools we will be talking about.
Tool #2 – Firmness
Firmness builds character in our sons. Firmness means drawing a line in the sand and saying “we’re not going past this line.” The goal of firmness is to train our children. Using firmness is a great way to develop a sense of inner obligation in your child’s heart and help them learn to cooperate.
Tool #3 – Visioning
The tool of visioning will give your son perspective. It will help him focus on what could be, rather than only focusing on what is right now. It gives him a character goal to work toward together with you.
When we use heart-based parenting, we are always looking forward to the future. Imagine you’re son’s life like a map. You’re trying to help your son move from point A on a Map to point B on a map. Point A is where he is now (current attitude, behavior, etc). Point B is where you want him to go.
When we use Visioning as a parenting tool, we are looking down the road of life towards point B. We want to help our child see that there is hope, that there is possibility for change. He doesn’t have to stay stuck where he is right now.
Sometimes our boys can’t see past their current situation. They don’t realize they have the potential or ability to change. When we use Visioning, we are helping them to see their potential in life.
I know some of you may be thinking… I don’t think my son has any potential in life! Trust me, I’ve had similar thoughts cross my mind over the years. At least in moments of frustration. I know I’ve thought things like: That determination will definitely take you places in life. I just hope it’s not to prison!
But when we’re able to help our kids see their own potential, they begin to believe that they can change. That there is hope.
Of course, we continue to rely on the Holy Spirit to work in their hearts, and to give us wisdom and patience as we deal with challenging behaviors.
Casting a Vision With Your Son
Today we’re going to talk about 5 different ways you can use the tool of Visioning with your son.
1. Point Out Strengths
- Recognize god-given gifts and talents, point out strengths.
- Especially focus on character qualities, not just skills or abilities.
- “God has made you strong and determined. I love that about you. My prayer is that God will use those gifts for his glory.”
2. Discuss Challenging Behaviors
I’ve noticed you’ve been struggling to _____ lately. This behavior is not okay in our family, and it does not show honor to God. We’re going to work on this together.
- Strength can be used to hurt or heal. I’ve noticed you’ve been using this strength to hurt lately.
- For example: stubbornness vs determination
- Discontentment vs. a strong sense of justice
3. Make a Plan
- Choose a character quality you want to work on.
- Why is this character quality important?
- Explain how certain qualities will help in the future, as an adult, etc. (casting a vision for later in life).
“You know, I’ve noticed that sometimes you are so strong and determined to get your own way that you don’t consider the feelings of others. I would like to work with you on developing the skill of empathy and selflessness in your life. This is an important quality because it will help you relate to others and it will help you be a good friend.”
- Explain the “road map” to your son – we are moving from point A to point B.
- Memorize a Bible verse specific to your son’s situation… something that will help him to remember what quality you are working on together.
Show Kindness: Ephesians 4:32 – “Be Kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another.” (NLT)
Show honor: Romans 12:10 – “Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” (NLT)
Work Hard: Colossians 3:23 – “Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.”
Have a cheerful attitude: Philippians 2:14 – “Do everything without complaining and arguing.”
- Make a list of ideas how to PRACTICE the particular character quality.
- What can you do when you feel angry, instead of throwing things?
- When you’re feeling annoyed with your brother, what can you do instead of hitting him?
- What will you do next time?
4. Give Hope
- Communicate to your son: I’m on your team, we’re working on this together, God will help you.
- I am confident that you will make progress in this area.
- I Can’t wait to see how God works in your heart.
Share Bible Verses
- Philippians 1:6 – “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”
- Philippians 2:13 – “For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.”
- Ephesians 2:10 – “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
Talk about the Hall of Faith in Hebrews 11:
- Abraham and Isaac were both liars.
- Sarah laughed at God’s promises.
- Jacob was a deceiver.
- Joseph was prideful.
- Moses was a murderer.
- Rahab was a prostitute.
- Gideon was a coward.
- Samson was disobedient.
- King David was a cheater and a murderer.
AND YET… They were all recognized by God for their FAITH.
“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for….
“All these people were still living by faith when they died…
“Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God,…
“Whose weakness was turned to strength;…
“The world was not worthy of them….
“These were all commended for their faith.”
5. Affirm Success
Be sure to praise and affirm your child when you see progress in the area that you are focusing on right now.
“Wow, I noticed that you let your brother choose which TV show to watch this morning. That was showing kindness and putting others before yourself.”
Encourage approximately right behavior (even if they still have a long way to go!)
“Last time, you were angry for an hour and this time you were only angry for 20 minutes. You are making progress in this area. Great job! I can see you are really working hard to control your temper.”
Encourage small steps in the right direction. Don’t wait for perfection before you affirm him. Success breeds success. Allow him to see his success, even if it’s minor. This will give him hope that he can change.
“Last time you hit your brother when he took your toy, and this time you only screamed at him. That’s progress. Let’s keep working in this area. I’m really proud of you and I know you can do it.”
- Practice makes progress.
- Don’t expect perfection over night (or ever really).
- Teach kids how to accept a compliment.
BOOK GIVEAWAY WINNER!
Liezl from South Africa was the winner of our Books for Boys giveaway! Congratulations!
FREE EASTER DEVOTIONAL FOR FAMILIES
Come and See! invites families to experience firsthand the anticipation, the sorrow, the tragedy, the fear, and the ultimate triumph of Jesus’ death and resurrection.
This book includes 30 short devotional stories, each with accompanying Scripture references and questions for discussion and imagination. Use this book to help your kids understand the significance of Easter. Create deeper connections with your kids this Easter as you read and discuss what it would have been like to experience firsthand the events of the Holy Week. May you gain a deeper understanding of the love and life our Lord offers as you and your family prepare your hearts for the celebration of our Risen Savior!
Through the eyes of six eye witnesses, you will be led on a journey through the busyness of the streets of Jerusalem, to the despair of Golgotha, and finally to the celebration of the empty grave.
Come and see Mary’s love poured out when she anoints Jesus in Bethany.
Come and see Judas’ cunning plan to betray Jesus.
Come and see Peter’s confused reaction when Jesus washes the disciples’ feet.
Come and see Nicodemus’ confliction when Jesus is sentenced to death.
Come and see John’s agony as he watches his best friend suffer and die.
Come and see Mary Magdalene’s jubilation when Jesus appears, alive once again!
Reading Plan for Come and See
I also have reading plans available for Come and See. If you’re listening to this episode in the future, closer to Easter, I also have a condensed, 1-week version of the reading plan that will help you get through the stories a little faster. The chapters are all fairly short and will take less than 10 minutes to read a chapter. So you’re welcome to double up on some of the chapters if you need to.
Audiobook Version of Come and See
Something new for this year – I now have an audiobook version of Come and See! (Scroll down to the Audiobook section). This is a great resource for you to listen to with your kids in the car.
And I hope you have a wonderful time together as a family, as you prepare your hearts for the celebration of our risen Savior.